Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Of Schemes & Masked truths

...I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I'll love you forever, but now I'm sober...”
                                                                         - Boys like Girls, in their hit track 'Love drunk' .

Just so you know, I've got guts the size of the Titanic! Now isn't that marvelous? Oh it's gotta be!...And now I know you're probably wondering why the heck I'm blowing my own trumpet!? I mean, who's got the time to listen to the rumblings of a braggart huh?! Ha ha.. Chill out, you're not going to hear another word of it. Big guts or small guts, what does it matter anyway? This after all, is not a story about guts. Matter of fact, I would reckon it hinges more on the converse of that; on modesty.

Some time back, I got to share my most intimate feelings(well, some of them) with someone, a lovely friend, whom I had grown real fond of. Consequently, I went ahead and made myself vulnerable to them by doing so. Of course that wasn't the primary intention, but it felt right, if only as a means to an end. (Yes, a means to an end, admittedly, it was a scheme of some sort. But then calling it that would kind of put a 'deceptive' ring to it all. And guys you have to back me on that, it always is some sort of scheme when you're actually trying to work your way into a girl's heart! Except unlike the more common schemes, its usually a 'sincere' one, so to speak! And girls don't get me wrong, please notice I'm talking about a 'girl's heart' and NOT a 'girl's panties'! The latter is normally quite a disparate endeavour altogether!) 
So, it was all in the hope that they probably shared the same sentiments and would reciprocate as well. No wait, I wasn't exactly hoping for it, I guess I was more like expecting it. Hope in itself, rides a little too much on probability for it to be the best adjective for my disposition at the time. Yet I wasn't just imagining things. I could tell, our friends could tell; she was fond of me too. Well, how mistaken we were!

As it transpired, the feelings weren't mutual. Yes, ouch! You bet that feels awful!
Not to worry though, I took it in stride! All it did was leave me languishing in hurt and perplexity all at the same time, nothing serious (Okay, honestly, it was!)! Anyhow, it was funny how I then seemed to realize her being much bigger in my world than I had actually imagined she was. I'm sure y'all must have heard of the popular adage,"You don't know whatch'u got until you've lost it", yes?  Well,right then, I was living it! And for days on end I just couldn't stop wondering to myself
Had I been too conceited to see clearly?
Because my ego had imploded.
Had I been unduly optimistic about the whole thing?
Because my high spirits were gruesomely upended.
Or even more baffling, had she for reasons best known to herself, chosen to deny me the truth?
Because my mind was immensely doubtful. 
Was it really true that despite all the times we spent together, all the cheer and gaiety that abound, she never felt a thing at all?

Well, though not in as many words, that's what she said; she felt nothing. And it might very well have been absolutely true.  
Maybe I was the one in denial.
Maybe I was a little vain.
Maybe I was a little too optimistic.
That, I might never get to know for sure. They say, people hear what they want to hear. We tend to accept only the truths we are ready to confront. Quite the detrimental trait, but a real one nonetheless. All part of being human I guess.
Here's what I know for sure; In more ways than one, I'm a better person now than I ever was then.

..For us who love seems to know what route we usually take and runs off to another one far away, we have to learn to wait on the Lord. This statement has gotten so cliché I know, but God instructs us to do so, and waiting on him has never resulted in falure, you can ask King David..”                   
                - Xavier Mutulis in 'Providence'.