Saturday, 6 April 2013

Thanks for the memories: Confession.

Once upon a time, I looked someone so dear to me in the eyes, and lied to them. Up until after I had committed the act, I had never actually thought I had it in me. I was taken aback a little by what I had done. A while later, when I sat to think deeply about it, having already tried to brush it aside with no success, I was overwhelmed by guilt. It weighed down my heart like nothing I could remember had ever done before. I knew then that I couldn't live with it, not without it turning me into someone I didn't want to be- a cold liar. I had to divest my chest of it. By all means, they deserved to know the truth. But, the thought of the consequences only served to distress me further. I feared for what the truth might do to their heart. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place! How I'd gotten myself into the situation, I couldn't quite pinpoint at the time. Things were far from pretty. 

Nonetheless, I eventually got the pluck to come clean. As expected, it was far worse than forcing a whole pint of vinegar down your throat. The flurry of emotion, the tears, the sighs, just a terrible ordeal for the both of us!.. So anyhow, after all had been said and done, the seemingly inevitable hurt had been caused. I broke a lovely girl's heart. In the wake of this, remorse came flooding into my heart. The sheer memory of it all in the days after would make tears well up in my eyes, and how I would fight to hold them back. I hated myself for what I had done. I didn't want to be forgiven, I would rather be punished. It was only in my conviction, that the truth sets us free, wherein I found some solace. I silently hoped that I would be vindicated for what I had also done; I had been sincere; I had chosen not to live a lie and be laden with guilt, but rather to tell the truth and be laden with remorse.

Having made that confession, you most probably have a hint of what transpired after Hailey and I had met. As I hope you should. Because that there pretty much sums up the story, albeit not entirely. Well, the intricacies of it all are somewhat hard for me to express. Like I said, it was far from pretty.
Once, sometime after my break-up with Hailey, me and a buddy of mine, Collins, were marveling at this beguiling girl in his class and wondering what it would possibly take any of us to win her heart. He briefly paused in silence, contemplating, his gaze fixed at the young lady, and then turned to me and said, “Steve buddy, lets let fantasies be fantasies!”. We laughed about the wisecrack and went on to discuss different matters. The remark, witty or otherwise, might have seemed frivolous at the time, but the full magnitude of its meaningfulness dawned on me much much later.

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